I spent a good couple of hours last night talking to two of my very dear friends and we realized that we were all going through, more or less, the same thing, even though we all live in very different places and are at very different stages in life right now. It gave me a lot to think about, and it made me see how vulnerable and honest I could be with them, which is something I hadn’t really done for myself in a while.
The thing about being a person who creates a lot of things based on their feelings is that they need to be in touch with their feelings in the first place. This explained a lot about why I felt so creatively blocked, lately. There is just way too much going on in my head and I haven’t really put aside any time to process any of it or talk about it, much less find a way to do anything about it. It’s one of the reasons why I have felt so out-of-touch with almost everything I have created in the past couple of weeks, save for a handful of things that actually turned out well in spite of it all.
Trying to find a way to escape the thoughts in your head is probably a good idea for a short while, but it doesn’t really work long term. You can’t keep fooling yourself for too long. You can’t keep things from yourself for too long, either.
Eventually, you’re going to find yourself come to a screeching halt and the second you give it any sort of a thought at all, it’s going to come crashing all over you and you’ll understand exactly why you kept feeling as though there was something in your way.
It sounds scary to confront your feelings and it sounds like a very bad idea to open that closet that you’ve been stuffing all of your thoughts into because, the second they all come crashing down on you, you’re going to find yourself gasping for air and trying to find a way out of that fine mess. And we should be scared of that, too. Sweeping everything under the rug because you ‘cannot deal with it right now’ might not the best way to deal with your emotions, long-term.
It is not fun to keep things all to yourself and not do anything about it. Let me tell you what it is like from my experience.
The tell-tale signs are all here. I zone out for a long time and I don’t realize how long it has been until I check the time. It’s not fun to lose time to overthinking. It’s even worse how the smallest of things begin to tick me off and I don’t even understand why they make me so angry. And the guilt that comes after an episode of rage is terrible, no matter how little the damage actually was. As a result, or as a preventive measure, I find myself retreating into my own bubble and I go hours without talking to anybody.
If that’s something you find yourself doing and you don’t know why it keeps happening so often, it’s probably because you’ve been keeping things to yourself a lot and not letting yourself process your own feelings. Maybe you don’t want to do so at the moment. Maybe you don’t want to do so outside of your own safe space. Maybe you need some time.
Whatever it is, I hope you understand that this doesn’t make you weak or vulnerable. Being vulnerable to the people closest to you could be a good thing, but I understand why a lot of people are apprehensive of that. It’s very valid that we find ourselves trying to pile all of our metaphorical clothes on that metaphorical chair because we’re just not in the right space to deal with actually organizing them. But eventually, we’re going to have to get around to doing exactly what we’ve been putting off.
It’s a long road ahead and I hope we give ourselves the time and patience to actually deal with whatever we’re going through. Of course, everybody has very different limits to how much they can take and how much they can hold in without letting it all come crashing down like a bad hangover after a rager. And of course, it’s going to happen again because it’s not something that we can deal with overnight. It takes time and a whole lot of work.
Whether you’re willing to actually put in that work, however, always remains up to you. Be patient with yourself. You’ll come around to doing your metaphorical laundry someday.