‘If I Could Drown…’

I don’t particularly have anything in mind to write about, today. So, here’s something I wrote in one of my journals. This is, in many ways, an extremely personal post and I don’t know why I’m putting this out there, but I know it’s one of the more beautiful thoughts that I’ve had and I just felt like I needed to leave this up for whoever wants to read it:

“There are people who joke about wanting to inject coffee into their veins because that’s how much they like coffee, and then there’s me, who has fallen in love with the idea of trying to physically drown myself in music. I never knew a melody like that could touch my soul to the point of breaking me down into tears. It’s like the moment when it starts drizzling and you can feel the cold, almost misty droplets on you; and by the time it has started pouring, and you’re soaked to the bone, shivering but enjoying being drenched at the same time. It’s like that moment when you feel a big wave crash over your head, making you lose your footing in the sand. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t think I’ll ever have the right words to write about it when I am not listening to music that breaks me. And I cannot write about it when I’m living that music either, because I am almost always struggling for air, trying not to let the tears fall. Because I know that if a single bead of tear rolls down, it’ll open the floodgates to miserable, ugly sobbing. Maybe I cut myself some slack sometimes and let the tears fall, too. I still don’t understand just what it is that makes me want to disintegrate into a million particles just so that I could somehow be one with that music. But it never happens. Because when the music finally ends, there’s just me, the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes, and a void that has been left where the song should have been. So of course, I hit ‘replay’ to try drowning myself in the music all over again. It’ll never happen and the void will only feel emptier when I’m through. It probably means nothing, though. It’s just another feeling that just exists. There’s no telling why. There’s no explanation for it. Just another one of the silly things I make up in my head.”

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