“Somewhere, deep within, there is always going to be a fear that lurks in the shadows. The fear that begins with the words ‘what if’ and makes you jump to the worst conclusions ever. I guess it’s the fear of people walking out on me in spite of all that we have meant to each other, for me. It terrifies me to think that people could wake up, one day, and realize that they want to walk down a different road without you by their side. I used to think that this was the worst thing that could happen, but there are, arguably, several thousand other things that could go a lot worse. It’s funny when you come to the realization that no matter what you mean to the next person, they truly don’t owe you anything. And when you think about it, nobody ever owes anything to anyone, and it doesn’t matter what sort of history there has been. Explanations, closure, apologies and other things are reserved for people who cause irrevocable harm, not for people who changed their minds out of the blue. We choose to take those leaps of faith; whether we make it to the other side isn’t up to anybody else. I spent month furious with myself because it was easier to blame myself, and then a couple more months raging at the other person because I genuinely thought they had no conscience when they chose to walk out with a pathetic excuse of an apology, and then a few more months mulling it all over. And then I came to the conclusion that I am only responsible for the way I, myself, feel, and what the other person feels is their responsibility. None of us get to control how the next person feels, after all. And isn’t that the whole point of free will and respecting choices and boundaries and all of that? The truth is that we could all spend an eternity playing the blame-game. There is no shortage of things or people to shove the blame on. But when you finally realize that what you feel isn’t up to anybody else, that’s when you slowly begin to let go. Nobody said that this was going to be easy, but healing never really is. I guess that we just need a reminder on some days that, sometimes, it isn’t our fault. It’s nobody’s. Things just run their course and that’s alright.”
I was going through a bad day, yesterday, and I wrote this along with a bunch of other things in my journal. I thought that this could be a reminder to anybody who, like me, is going through a difficult time coming to terms with certain things. So, as much as it scared the hell out of me, I decided to put this up here, just because.
The Shubhster. Xx