For the last month or so, I have been working on a project that is very dear and important to me. But I am very superstitious, so I don’t want to talk about it, yet.
But here’s the thing, ever since I began working on this project, I have been a lot more motivated to keep creating and to keep writing because it feels like whatever obstacle was holding me back for a really long time has been cleared. I feel so unstoppable right now, and honestly, plenty nauseous because this is such a big step and I am so scared to take it. Nevertheless, I am so glad that this is finally something that I made happen, after way too much back-and-forth than was necessary.
I wanted to talk about the fact that some of us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, undermine ourselves way too much than can be considered healthy. I know because I did it for a really long time. I know because I see my closest friends do it way more than they should, and it pains me so much because they are amazing and they are, without a doubt, some of the most talented people I have ever met. But this is how things are. This is how we are made to doubt ourselves, when we know there are people just putting their work out there with much less… finesse, for the lack of a better word, maybe?
I understand how art can be largely subjective and how I may not be fair with my judgement in a lot of cases because I do feel like some art is better than others , but that is just, again, my subjective opinion of it. But it still remains true that a lot of artists undermine their own work when they know there are people just throwing random words on a paper and random colours on a canvas and calling it a day.
I wonder why we never feel good enough about what we do, and I may not ever be able to understand that.
In fact, taking this step that I am right now was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. And while making it, itself, didn’t feel like a huge task, I have to admit, it keeps dawning on me every single day that this is getting more real with every passing day and it is going to take a solid shape very soon. The sheer permanence of it all, the knowledge that once it is done, I will have taken more steps than I ever thought was possible, absolutely terrifies me.
Then again, I am reminded that I stand a chance at this as much as anybody else out there because I am, in fact, more than just good enough for it, and I feel somewhat comforted by that. At least for a while! It’s something that you have to tell yourself every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to sleep.
I wish I could tell you that there would come a time when you can believe in this easily, but it’s an ongoing process. Some days are better than the others, but you’ll see it going somewhere.
You’ll understand that you’re good enough. That you always have been.