Too Scared To Grow Up.

Dear Diary,

I’m scared. I’ll turn twenty in a few months and I really don’t want to. Maybe I’ll wake up and nothing would have changed. But I’m nineteen and people already expect so much out of me. I’m scared because I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t think I’m ready for a whole lot of responsibilities just yet. I haven’t even found my place in the world. What am I doing with my life? Will I ever be the responsible, successful person that everyone thinks I’d become?

Yeah. I said it. Growing up was a trap! I thought it would be fun. WHAT ON EARTH WAS I EVEN THINKING?

I’m really scared of growing up. It might not seem like it. I might seem as if I have my life together, but I really don’t. It’s all a farce. I’m desperately trying to pull myself together and clearly failing at it. It’s because I don’t show it outside, but then I don’t want to be pretentious, so here’s the truth- I’m too scared.

“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”
― Cindy Gerard, To the Limit

But you know what? Maybe I’m not in a place where I thought I’d be by the time I was twenty, but good things take time and effort. I’m inching towards my dream everyday, slowly. I’ll get there someday. I cannot keep sticking around in my comfort zone. Eventually, I’ll have to step out of it.

Sure, it’s going to be really hard to be out of my padded-up, cozy, comfort zone initially. But I’m willing to take that risk. Life is all about risks. And growing up is a risk we cannot avoid- there is no way around it, unless you’re in a continuous time-loop or perhaps a book. It’s a part of life.

Maybe I’ll embrace growing up someday- but today’s not that day. I don’t want to be worried about moving into my own apartment, or manage my own expenses or buying a ton of instant noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner, just yet! Call me ‘lazy’ all you want to, but I have been a carefree person for nineteen years now- I can’t change that overnight.

But right now? It’s my time to be crazy and put myself out there, make memories, be crazy and not be held responsible for anything.I want to be carefree- I wish life worked that way. But it doesn’t. So I’ll eventually have to grow up someday, even if I don’t really want to. But it’s okay. I know that when I’m truly ready for that change, I’ll embrace it with open arms.

So guys, here’s what I learnt- growing up is optional- we only age, we don’t grow up unless we really choose to. Also, responsibilities are a part of life, we cannot avoid them forever. Someday, we’ll have to face them head-on. But it doesn’t mean that we cannot have fun- we most certainly can. Nothing– even the fear of growing up- should come in the way of you living your life the way you wish.  “Life’s what you make it.”

Cheerio! Xx

 

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Yours truly,

The Shubhster.

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