I flipped through my diary today and read my entries from a while ago when I thought things were simpler because I figured it had been a while since I properly let myself reminisce, and I have to say, I am not in a very good place right now. I constantly feel like a failure, but that has been easing up over the last few days. Maybe a lot of it has got to do with the pressure I suddenly feel to keep up with everything and everyone around me now that I feel like I am being left behind. The truth is that I am scared, like any other artist, I suppose, of being forgotten or left behind.
I don’t know if it will actually happen, but I know it has happened before and it broke my heart.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. But I guess that is just what life’s all about. People never really stick around when you want them to, the most. Some do. The ones that matter always do. But they’ve got lives of their own and sometimes you just end up realizing that you don’t belong in pockets of their lives and that is okay because, again, that’s just how life is. That’s what this is all about.
Sometimes, I let these thoughts weigh over my brain because I find it suffocating to keep it all to myself and not let myself think about them instead. Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge that you’re human and that it is okay to feel existential dread creep up on you. It’s okay to feel crappy on some days because nothing is ever always rosy or always bad. Things do get better over time, but we need to have a lot more faith in them than we currently do.
Maybe that’s just how life goes. We’ll slowly learn over time.