Yesterday, I wrote a poem that talked about the feeling of a very particular kind of loss, or more specifically, the loss of balance. There really aren’t enough words for me to talk about how badly off-balance I’ve been feeling for the last couple of weeks. I am trying to grasp at whatever straws there are left of any sense of normalcy in my life, but that is just a way for me to delude myself into thinking that things are going just fine, when they are, in fact, not. Things aren’t going badly, if I’m being honest. Everything is coming up really well and I am in a good place right now, but there is just this unsettling feeling that I cannot put my finger on.
I picked up my paint brushes today and a set of canvases and just painted until I felt a little better about things. I worked out like I usually do. But these are just a fraction of the things that I am used to doing. I guess I just need to get back to that, one thing at a time.
It just feels like a lot of us have been going through something similar, lately.
The reasons may be different, and it could be an overall loss of balance or just a particular sense of balance, but the point is that we’re all struggling to keep up with one change after another. At this point, so many of us have gone through multiple changes within the same environment for so long that we wouldn’t really know how to deal with the changes that have happened outside the environment that we are currently used to. It feels as though we’re all trying to go back to the way things used to be, and I am not sure doing so is helping us cope.
Many others are trying to cope by throwing themselves into as many things as possible, as long as they don’t have the time to deal with the actual reality of things, and I guess that works for them. But the point is that the feeling of imbalance is hitting us so hard, we are pretty much at a loss for solutions. Any feeble attempt is just as good as anything else at this point, and it’s the best any of us can do to hang on to a piece of ourselves that we do not want to change beyond repair.
And you know what? I get it.
I get why people re-watch their favourite shows or movies, why they play the same song on a loop, why they go back to that same book and read it again and again, why they cling to things that offer them some kind of familiarity to times when things really weren’t as twisted as they are right now. Familiarity is something we often associate with balance. This is why too much change at once can make us feel a little off-balance at times and we do everything we can to cope by clinging to something that is familiar.
Familiarity comes in many faces. It could be some sort of routine that you have going on with your best friend, or something simple like drinking that first mug of coffee in the morning, or like I said, re-watching or re-reading things because they bring you comfort.
Sometimes, you just have to do what you need to, and that is okay.
I hope everyone can find their balance in something soon. Xx