I had been waiting on some news on two of the most important things that I have worked on so far, and today, I heard back from both of them. It’s all going great and I feel like I am floating on the clouds. Everything about today has just been so unreal to me. I am just so happy to see that my work is paying off. It feels nice to know that I have a direction to walk in, for once. I still feel like there is so much more that I need to do because that is who I am, but for now, I am exactly where I need to be and I am not comparing my progress to anyone else’s in this very moment, and it feels good.
It feels better than just good. I just wish I had the right words for it.
For some reason, I haven’t allowed myself to be jumping with joy over this, yet. That ‘Holy shit, I have a job that I actually like‘ moment hasn’t hit me yet. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around this fact and I haven’t allowed myself to be happy because I get the feeling that if I let myself be happy, even for a moment, something will go wrong. Loads of things could happen, there’s no way to tell. I just wish society hadn’t conditioned people into thinking that they shouldn’t be celebrating small wins because they seem insignificant.
Then again, this is something that we all just have to unlearn over time. Who knows? Maybe that moment will hit me tomorrow, when I no longer have too much to process. Maybe it will hit me tonight, right before sleep when I stare out the window, carried along by the overthinking. Who knows? Maybe I will allow myself to be happy knowing that I am, in fact, doing what I want with life and on my own terms. It is a pretty big deal.
I honestly felt a little bad posting about landing a new job on my socials. I know what it felt like, just a couple of weeks ago, when I found myself doubting my own self-worth after almost everyone I know delivered news about their wins, and every piece of news felt like a blow to my self-esteem and I didn’t even know that I had been all but crumbling under that weight until today. And now I am on this side of the pasture where the grass certainly looks greener, I can’t help but be a little cautious about the way my wins are going to affect those around me.
Which brings me to the most important point of today’s post. Please do not let the progress that the people around you make affect you negatively. Do not compare your progress to theirs. It is certainly not worth the mental agony you’ll be putting yourself through—you can’t even help it; even if you do mean well, and even if you are actually happy for the people around you—a part of you will wonder what on earth you’re doing wrong and why you haven’t reached that place in your life yet.
But you are exactly where you need to be, at this moment. Even when you feel like it’s not where you’re supposed to be. Sometimes, it just takes time for us to get out of situations that we are tired of. As long as we’re actively making an effort to change things around us, we shouldn’t have to feel this way. Then again, me saying this isn’t going to change things. I cannot dictate the way you feel, and what you feel is valid, as it has always been.
I just wish we didn’t measure our worth using everyone else’s progress as the yardstick. They’re not and they’ll never be in the same position or situation as us, and things are very different for us and whoever we’re comparing ourselves to. That being said, you can be genuinely happy for someone and be disappointed in yourself at the same time; those two things can be mutually exclusive. You’re allowed to be sad for not being where you want because you’re only human.
Just know that you’ll get where you want to be, eventually.
Don’t give up! Xx