I feel like I have no thoughts in my head today, thanks to the painfully throbbing headache that I’ve had since I woke up this morning. I guess this is a bad way to start my blog posts for this month, but this is what I hoard content for. On days when I don’t particularly feel like writing, I have a bunch of drafts and journal entries that I’d post here instead and today just happens to be one of those days.
I named this one ‘Numb’ because it pretty much explains how I’m feeling right now. It’s an entry from a day like this when it took me some time to actually form a thought or two in my head:
“If I could pick a colour for my mood right now, it would be grey. Not the kind of grey that comes with the rain; the kind of grey that you see when you de-saturate a photo completely. The kind of grey that lacks any kind of lustre about it. That’s what it looks like right now inside my head. The worst part is that I cannot figure out why it feels like I can’t think of anything. I can’t bring myself to write the kind of words that I so badly want to write. All I have instead of coherent thoughts is this loud ringing noise that won’t go away. It’s just… blank. There’s no other way to put it. There is no right word for what I feel right now except for ‘numb’. I have no idea how the day went past me and I am just trying to bring myself to write a few words. They still don’t make any sense. But that doesn’t make them any less valid. Sure, I could be talking to my best friends about this, but there are things that I would much rather just go through all by myself because it’s probably nothing. Maybe I am not cried about a couple of things yet. Maybe I just need to let myself be this way until I can think of something that inspires me to write again. Either way, I just wish I understood why so many of us go through days like these. I wish there was a better way to get over this than just let myself be before I ‘come around’. All I know is that it’s okay to feel this way sometimes. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time. I don’t know whether writing this here will convince me, but I have to try.”